i'm exactly where i need to be

I feel powerful today. It’s a nice feeling amidst a lot of forces that aim to disempower. In the same day that I learned funding did not come through for the second phase of the project that’s been keeping me alive and well for the past four months, I got a call from some other folks in need of help on several projects over the next two months. And so, the balance is restored.

It’s a shame that each day we have to trudge our way through so much muck – fear, anxiety, Bernie Madoff and his high jinx , the dow, the unemployment rate, the latest company closure/layoff/consolidation. The media’s got us in its sights. It wants to take us down. But every day, the sun still comes up. Every day is new, pregnant with possibility. At least, that’s what I choose to believe. Because it’s all a choice, right? We can choose to be mired in the fear, or we can choose to find some pinpoint of light in the darkness that seems to be constantly closing in, according to the powers that be.

I had a chance to go to a yoga class today with one of my favorite teachers, so I took it. Some days get so hectic that I lose that chance. Les is an amazing guy, much loved by many people. What I love about him is his real-ness. He’s no bullshitter. He’s honest at every turn, and he calls ‘em like he sees ‘em. Doesn’t let me off the hook for much. Today, he spoke about two things that helped me see, once again, that I’m exactly where I need to be.

He started class by talking about the fear – the way we’re all walking around in utter panic about what we might lose…the way “they” want us to feel about everything that’s happening around us. “Well,” he said, “and I say this only with love. I hope you *do* lose it.” It wasn’t a statement of flippancy or a lack of compassion for the real issues in people’s live. It was a way for him to invite us into the challenges that we most fear. He wished for us not loss but the chance to face the fear we dread and to get right up close to challenge and see what it’s got to offer us. Can you be interested in the challenge, fascinated by it even, and allow yourself to get inside it and feel around for what’s it’s got to show you? And as he said this, a smile grew across my face. This is exactly what I’ve been working with (and writing about and trying to feel my way through) for quite a while.

Perhaps not a natural instinct, we’re often loathe to *invite* challenge into our lives. With so much on our plate, especially at a time when the chaos seems without end, the last thing we want is something else to find its way into our lives and complicate things further. But, really, we all know that the challenges are where the juice is; when we take them on – head on – that’s where we unearth the best discoveries. So, like Les said to me tonight, like my friend said about curiosity, isn’t it best to stand tall and strong and say bring it on?  Without judgment or assumptions about what the challenge might bring, can I look it dead on and get interested, fascinated, excited, even about the possibility that exists in that space?

I get scared about the future and how things will play out for me, but I don’t actually know anyone who doesn’t get scared at least once in a while. But for me, it’s about movement through the fear, not paralysis. Every day I’m creating something new for myself – meeting new people, learning new tools, finding something that makes me thrilled to be putting one foot in front of the other. Which brings me to the second thing Les said tonight. As class ended, he reminded us about the invitation to challenge and in doing so, reminded us that we’ve all got a place inside where we go where we feel on it, on fire, alive, creative, excited. When we invite the challenge in, we let that place open up a little, and we find new ways to get there. We remind ourselves that no matter the power of the forces outside ourselves conspiring to show us otherwise, that place exists and it rocks. That feeling when you’re in your space, doing your thing – it’s unparalleled. For me, sometimes it’s an idea that takes flight and throws me into a new project, or writing about things I’m passionate about, or being in a yoga class and hearing my thoughts spoken aloud by someone, reminding me I’m not alone in this wide, wide world. The feeling isn’t a constant and it’s not easy to come by, I don’t think. Sometimes it’s quite fleeting, getting just a taste of what it’s like to feel fully free.

This is yoga for me – every once in a while, my body gets what my brain has been trying to tell it for ages and I actually *feel* what it’s like to be in a pose. Whether it’s one second or three minutes, my body remembers that feeling. It knows it’s possible. And each time I return to a pose, especially really challenging ones, the gripping hold my chattering brain has on what I’m doing slackens just a bit and lets my body find that place it remembers feeling. Even a glimpse of the possible reminds my body and my mind that there is another way. On the other side of challenge and fear and frustration and uncertainty, there is a whole lot of sweetness.