korea revisited

In a few short days, a deeply missed partner in crime (and joy and silliness) will return to my world. And with her return, a new wave of exploration of the experience that was living in Korea will begin, and already has, really. As she prepares to wrap up a life created in that place and re-enter this city again to start the next chapter, I am reminded of my own wild emotional ride last May when I stepped off the Korean peninsula to resume life once again on this one.

“I did this!” she continued to exclaim over IM last night. “I DID THIS!” Yes, you did that. You moved to another part of the world and created a new and different and cherished life for yourself among people who now not only know you, they love you and will miss your presence deeply in their lives when you leave. And this is the thing that is, even now, astounding to me: How was it possible to create such a life there? Amidst so much confusion and challenge and pain and anguish, I discovered more capacity for emotion, connection and gratitude than I have ever experienced in my life.

I wrote about this a lot while I was away—how being in such a foreign place with so many new obstacles really strips you to the bone of all your defenses, all the typical ways you have learned to protect yourself and guard yourself, all your support systems. It’s a commonality among most people I’ve talked to who have lived outside their comfort zone for any period of time. It’s within these experiences that we discover our true capacity as human beings—and not just the feel-good, lovely, I-get-how-the-universe-is-connected stuff, but the ugly, scary, messy chaotic stuff as well. Yes, I saw my true capacity for opening myself to new experiences and people, but I also witnessed a capacity for anger, frustration and disappointment that surprised and, at times, was both terrified by and ashamed of. How could I be capable of such things?

Now, with so much distance and time between my present self and the tumult of the Catie who left Korea on May 6, 2008, I see it—the understanding of the vast complexity of who I am and the ways in which trauma, stress and fear can conspire to reveal some of the most critical pieces of the tapestry of my being. I’ve come to see what emerges from those experiences as the juiciest bits of information we get about ourselves. Yes, I was freaked out by some of the ways I reacted to situations and even ashamed of my behavior, but really, it was all part of me, and there was a deeper explanation beneath all of that emotion and reaction. Many deeper explanations. That’s where it gets interesting. That’s when stepping outside of my behavior and looking at what’s really behind all the commotion becomes the key to unlocking what it is that I’m so afraid of.

I’m so grateful that my BFFK (best friend in korea) is coming home. But I might even be more grateful for the opportunity that I get to revisit my life after Korea and what I’ve come away with after all this time—how I’m living my life differently; where I’ve found happiness; how I’m maintaining integrity in who I am and what I need in my life. So many things.